Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Your cock deserves a montage
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
