I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
