matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
