dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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