so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
