Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
