Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
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He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
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Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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