i may or may not be watching the land before time
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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