Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
