3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
