Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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