The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
