he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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