This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
