Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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