Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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