i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
