I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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