Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
