That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
