just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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