Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
