my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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