I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
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