Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
