if i can run in heels then i can drive
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
