The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
