you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
