Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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