I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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