Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
