What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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