i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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