i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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