What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
