Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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