Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
