fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
