I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
high people should be assigned attendants
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
