True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Sober January is a disaster.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
and you fell through a lawn chair
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
