Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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