Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
