it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
