I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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