i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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