i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My ass is underappreciated
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
