dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
