Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
