I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
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