she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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