Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
