M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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