i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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