You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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