So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
