is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
