that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
