I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
