life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
