I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
