My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
they're like a gay fantastic four
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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