brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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